Desperado's Dilemma
by SlyWolf
Summary: The long awaited sequel to Pirate's Problem! Join our friendly neighbourhood pirates as they visit exotic locales, meet interesting people, and keep Link and Tetra from having a fight over who gets to wear the big hat.
1. I doubt they get many return visitors

_This is an immediate sequel to my previous Windwaker Fanfiction, Pirate's Problem. If you haven't read it, I recommend you go read it now. NOW! Quickly! For the good of the city! Otherwise nothing that follows will make any sense. Admittedly, it won't make any sense anyway, but it will make **more** sense if you read Pirate's Problem. The choice is yours. _

* * *

It was an attractive carrier pigeon. It had that to say for itself. In any other context it would be a carrier pigeon to remember. Sadly, it was not in another context, it was in this one. And in this one, it had just knocked Link out. Tetra picked the pigeon up and shook it. "What did you _do_!"

"Is everything okay?" Mako poked his head in the door. "I heard a thwump sound." The small pirate adjusted his glasses.

"Oh, everything's fine. So long as this _bird _tells me why it crashed into Link's head."

Mako paused. "Miss Tetra, I don't think it can. It's a bird, you see." The small pirate adopted a lecturing tone. "And birds don't talk."

"I'm sorry!" The pigeon squeaked in Tetra's hand. "I was flying so fast that I must have lost sight of where I was going," It sounded truly contrite.

Tetra glanced down at the unconscious Link. "It's all right." She laughed a little. "He looks good that way."

The pigeon cooed and shook out of her grip, then hopped onto the desk and stretched its wings. "Well, I am sorry." It looked up at Mako. "What's his problem?"

"You _can't_ be talking! Birds don't talk! It's impossible!" Mako took his glasses off and polished them. "Stop it at once!"

"Mako, have you gone insane?" Tetra demanded. "Of course birds talk. Have you been listening to that crazy fish again?" The captain rose to her feet and walked across to Mako. "I think you've been reading far too many novels. Why don't you take a break?" The young woman patted Mako on the shoulder.

Mako slowly collapsed to the ground. "But…but the talking…and the… but the vocal chords…and…" Then he jumped to his feet and ran screaming from the room. "YI YI YI YI!"

"What's his problem?" Link asked, pulling himself up. "And why does my head feel like a pigeon crashed into it?" The young hero rubbed his eyes.

"What do you remember, Link?" Tetra asked him, reaching down to rub his hair.

"I remember… I remember you talking about where you wanted us to go. And then…" He scrunched up his eyes in thought. "Then there was this _squawking_ sound. Like a…like some sort of large bird. And then everything went black."

The pigeon coughed, and took off. "Well, I'm glad everything's okay. I should get going, though." Then it flapped its wings hard and took off through the porthole.

Tetra watched it leave, then settled back against Link's chest. "Set a course for Windfall Island. I think I want to lay in for a summer ensemble." The young woman kissed her boyfriend's cheek. "I'll even let you help me choose the bikinis."

Link opened his mouth to respond, but then he was hit in the head by the pigeon once more. "Sorry, did I hear you call this guy Link?" The pigeon asked, making itself comfortable on Link's face. "Because if I did, I have a message for you all."

Tetra glowered at the pigeon. "And I'll make sure he gets it. After he wakes up."

* * *

"So, remind me." Gonzo stared up at the imposing tower of evil darkness. "Why are we here?" The pirate asked Tetra. "I thought we were going to the Island of The Big Red Bumblebees."

"No, that doesn't sound like something we'd be doing." Nudge answered, rolling his eyes. "And there's a very good reason for that."

"What's that?"

"Because you just made that island up." Nudge smacked him. "We're here because a carrier pigeon had a message asking us to come here."

"A pigeon had a message asking us to come to the Tower of Evil Darkness, on the Island of Evil, in the Sea of Evil?"

"Yeah, that's what Tetra said." Nudge replied. "You're good at that 'repeating words' business. Maybe we don't need to buy a parrot."

Gonzo ignored this and persevered. "And you don't see _any_ problem with this at all?"

"No. Why would I? It seems perfectly legitimate to me."

Niko came out to join them. "Tetra sent me to check on…augh!" A massive tentacle reached up and grabbed Niko, then shook him back and forth like a rag-doll.

Gonzo and Nudge watched this for a little while. Then Nudge said, "Yeah, that snuck up on me. Shall I go get the harpoon?"

Gonzo, who had somehow gotten a-hold of a soft drink, took a long speculative sip from it. "What's the hurry?" He watched the tentacle spin Niko around in all possible directions.

"Why isn't anyone helping me?" Niko whimpered as the tentacle performed its finale, in which he was sent flying into the mast. Then a giant octo slowly rose from the sea, its tentacles flailing.

"Ah. Nudge, old chap. Shall we run for our lives?" Gonzo asked politely.

"Oh yes, _let's_." The two of them took off for the door as quickly as possible.

* * *

What followed was an amazing, if short, battle. The pirates, honed by years of experience on the high seas and accompanied by one of the greatest heroes ever born, faced only a single opponent: An octorock the size of a small mountain, with massive tentacles and a lust for blood matched only by its stupidity. Naturally, there was only one way for this battle to end.

Senza floated in the empty ocean on top of a piece of wood that used to be part of Tetra's ship. "Well, that went poorly."

Mako floated by, hugging a barrel for dear life. "I blame Niko." He said, kicking his legs in order to head for the beach up ahead. "I don't know _how_but I know this is his fault!"

Tetra was sitting in the King of Red Lions, her eyes closed. "My mother's ship is gone…" She whispered, curling up and putting her arms around her legs.

Link, who had finally given up on trying to make the sail work and was now simply coasting the boat along, reached across and touched her shoulder. "At least we're all alive…" She simply sighed. "I'll buy you a new boat?" She sighed again. "A bigger boat?"

Tetra glanced up at him. "And a pirate hat."

"And a pirate hat."

"Throw in a new outfit and you've got yourself a deal."

"Two new outfits."

Tetra reached up and threw her arms around him. "Mmm. My hero." She kissed Link firmly. "I just can't believe that happened, though!"

"Who would have thought that the Island of Evil, in the Sea of Evil, would have been so…so evil?" Link shook his head. "What is this world coming to?"

Behind them Gonzo, who was hugging the remains of the prow so tightly he couldn't move thought to himself, 'I have no mouth, but I must scream.'


	2. Our Forecast for Today is Doom! DOOOM!

Nudge dragged himself up the beach, panting. "Chu-Chu juice... Chu-Chu juice..." He pulled himself to his feet, and stumbled to a grassy patch. "Must...find...chu-chu..." Then he fell on his face in the grass, snoring.

"It's nice to see Nudge has his priorities." Gonzo said, pulling the barrel Mako had been riding out of the sea, tossing the smaller pirate onto the beach. "Get up, Mako, and we'll crack this barrel open and have us a drink, eh?" Mako pulled himself to his feet just as Gonzo cracked open the barrel. "Mm, smell that yellow Chu-Chu."

"Gonzo!" Mako shouted. "You're a genius!" The bespectacled pirate slapped two rocks together, causing a spark to hit the barrel, lighting the Chu-Chu juice into a beacon. And, coincidentally, lighting what hair Gonzo _had_ on fire. "People will see this for miles!" He did a triumphant little dance while Gonzo ran around behind him shrieking.

Nudge managed to stand back up. "Is that Chu-Chu juice?" He demanded from Mako, then he realised it was on fire. He could only stare at it. "What did you do with the Chu-Chu juice?"

"Oh, Nudge. Dear, sweet, innocent Nudge." Mako patted the bigger pirate on the leg. "You're living in the past. Stop living in the past! It's not Chu-Chu juice anymore. It's a rescue beacon!"

"But why is the Chu-Chu gone?!" Nudge demanded from an uncaring sky, before slowly toppling back to the ground and into blissful unconsciousness. Mako shrugged and pulled the other man's shirt off, using it to blow smokesignals.

"Isn't it great to have such wonderful assistants?" Link asked Tetra as they stepped off of King of the Red Lions. "I bet other Captains would have to _order_ their pirates to act in such a..." He took in Nudge sleeping, Mako's giggling over the fire, and Gonzo dunking his head under the water. "Such a stereotypical and stupid manner."

Tetra sighed and lay on the beach next to him. "We appear to be doomed." She mumbled, closing her eyes and feeling the sun on her skin. "Still, we wanted a tropical island. This isn't that bad, right?" Link reached across and put his arm around her.

* * *

Senza sighed and folded out the waterlogged map he had remembered to save. "By _my_ estimate, we are..." He pointed to a spot five feet to the left of the map, "Somewhere over there."

Zuko looked at the map, and where Senza was pointing, then pulled out his spyglass. "Zuko find us!" He began to search around the beach. "Hello, us?"

Senza blinked at him once or twice, and glanced over at Gonzo. "Okay, Zuko needs a vacation." They both nodded. "And where's Niko?"

"Hey, guys!" Niko called from where he was riding on the back of some sea animal or other. "These dolphins picked me up!" Everyone else backed away from the beach when it became clear that he was riding two gyorgs, both of which looked likely to lose their patience for this behaviour soon. "What's wrong?" He looked down at the toothy smiles of the sharks and shrieked. "You aren't dolphins!" The swabbie jumped into the air and landed in Gonzo's arms. "My hero." He was dropped to the ground. "Never mind. So, where's the chu-chu juice?"

Nudge started to cry again. Tetra rubbed his back. "Nudge, sweetie, maybe it's time to give the chu-chu juice a break, okay? And we should let Mako out of the bottle now, I think. Link wants it back." Tetra pointed to where Link was shaking a bottle containing a very squashed Mako upside down. Finally the hero tossed it hard against a tree, freeing him. "This will not do! I've found my way across thousands of miles of open ocean before. I will not be stopped from finding my way home! No matter what gets in my way!"

The pirates all applauded, and Tetra hurried to his side to kiss his cheek. "See? We're going to be fine." She said, happily. "Everything will work out just fine." She put a tight hold on Link's arm. "_Right_, dear?"

"Of... of course!" Link pulled on his collar. "I'm a hero after all! So, this is what we're going to do..."

* * *

Gonzo finished loading the last of the provisions onto King of Red Lions. "We'll be fine here, I'm sure. Will the two of you have enough?" He looked between Link and Tetra, both of whom nodded. "Great. Anything else you might need?"

"I think we have everything, Gonzo." Link promised her, and smiled slightly. "I'll take good care of your captain." He promised when he saw the old pirate rub his tearful eyes. "Haven't I always?"

"It's just..." Gonzo coughed. "You grow up so quickly..." He turned away.

"Are you _crying_?" Nudge asked, incredulously.

"Belay that!" Gonzo shouted, stomping off. "Mister Mako, get King onto the water!"

Mako saluted with more sharpness than, perhaps, the situation required. The other pirates slowly pushed the two heroes into the water. Nudge nodded. "Godspeed, Link. We'll be waiting!" Link saluted and threw the sail to the wind. The boat turned, and began to pick up speed. "We're depending on you!" Nudge called to them.

Tetra turned to wave, and then a giant mouth rose from the ocean and swallowed the entire boat right before the eyes of the stunned pirates. Niko threw his hands into the air. "Well, that's it. We're all going to die."

Gonzo turned to face the water and fell to his knees, staring at where his Captain and her boyfriend had once been. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He became aware that no one else was paying attention to him. "Why are the rest of you ignoring this? Our Captain and the Hero of the Winds just got eaten by some sort of giant alligator! You better have a damn good..." He turned to face the same direction as the others. "Oh. Yes, that _would _be a good reason to ignore me."


End file.
